the in between

"There's a power that lives in the space between, that subtle instant when something ends and what follows next hasn't yet begun.  From the birth and death of galaxies, to the beginning and ending of careers and relationships and even in the simplicity of breathing in and out, creation is the story of beginnings and endings; cycles that start and stop, expand and contract, live and die. Regardless of the scale, between the beginning and the end there exists a moment in time when neither one has fully happened ... that moment is where magic and miracles come from....From this place were given the power to heal our bodies, change our lives, and bring peace to the world. " The Secrets of the Lost Mode of Prayer.

I'm in the in between.  I started my intermittent blogging almost two years ago, mostly as a tangible way for me to process my thoughts and perhaps write my story.  I'm a bit of a blog stalker...so when one of my "faves" (www.eloranicole.com) offered story coaching I gulped out loud and made an appointment with her.

She asked me to create a life inventory of my own (a bucket list of sorts...of things I've already done) and send to her before our meeting.  Our meeting is tomorrow.

This is my list today:

• i have loved and been loved by brave courageous women 
• watched silently from the living room doorway as my mom grieved the death of JFK
• listened silently as my mom sobbed over the death of her dad
• held her silently as my mom wailed over the death of her husband/my dad
• cradled her, read to here, massaged her feet and held her last tear when she died from pancreatic cancer (7 forever years ago today)
• witnessed the breathtaking beauty of the birth of my grandson
• breathed in the sweetness of my 4 hour old granddaughter
• pulled off the side of the road to watch the fireworks as my 2 year old daughter slept
• renewed wedding vows on my 5th anniversary in Aruba with an Italian priest in an old historical catholic church while tourists toured the church
• drank lemoncello in San Marco square in Venice
• finally came to terms with my frustration for golf but love for my dad
• got my motorcycle license and bought a bad ass harley
• spoke at a congressional briefing and lobbied on capitol hill
• helped to create legislation on a state level with my daughter
• met 1st Lady Hilary Clinton...met her again with my mom
• quit smoking
• hiked Superstition Mountain in Arizona
• resigned from comfortable and safe job
• met Jesus on a cross country trip
• was baptized with my husband
• celebrated a new year staying in with my love, getting dressed up, dancing to love songs and cooking a romantic dinner for two with linens, wine and candles
• put our 16 year old lab down
• walked my daughter down the "aisle"
• believed faith was enough
• knocked down a wall with a sledgehammer
• almost drowned
• started listening to my body
• sunbathed with an iguana
• felt God's breath on my neck as I held my daughters hand in ICU
• forgave...truly
• confronted and spoke the truth in a very difficult situation that hurt a relationship for over 6 years
• remembered the precise moment when man walked the moon, the Challenger exploded, Princess Diana died, Michael Jackson died and the Twin Towers collapsed
• asked the love of my life to marry me
• put our home phone number on a billboard
• felt unworthy
• learned to share my tears
• was tenacious and driven and fierce about finding a place to put my pain believing that I had an overwhelming responsibility to do something
• connected people
• leaned in more
• got a tattoo at 40 and a hysterectomy at 43
• believed in broken hallelujahs
• dreamt i could fly
• learned to become flexible
• told my therapist i read a lot and i'm not as smart as i think i am
• dropped out of kindergarten
• resisted the urge to measure my worth...often
• felt trapped...a lot
• quit dieting
• sought stories of truth and redemption and grace and beauty
• carried a lot ..mostly shame and the other shoe
• sometimes believed i had superpowers and could make my mom come back to life
• wondered if it's considered a risk when one believed wholehearted in jumping
• cried for an hour in the shower
• treasured the early morning going out to breakfasts with just me and my dad
• broke again and again and again
• was terrified of the phone ringing 
• gave birth to two beautiful daughters that have taught me more than they should have had to...
• believed i changed the world in a small way
• i survived something i shouldn't have and as a result lost a part of me
• almost lost both of my girls and unconsciously made an agreement with God over it all
• cherished listening and watching my drummer boy play music
• hated being wrong
• believed my mom when she said if you look really closely you can see the flag the astronauts stuck in the moon
• soaked in a hot tub in Upstate New York in December (outside)
• believed the most favorite part of me was my girls
• believed Grace was enough...sometimes