I got on my knees today. Mostly because I needed God to see me in action. Kneeling before him with arms outstretched...
and
a heart beating out loud
and
tears searching for a place to land.
I'm a mess.
Shit.
I'm a mess.
I need "it" to stop. I need control back. I need safety and comfort and unmessy and I need to land on what "it" is.
I need a reserve tank. One that's filled with strength and courage and hope and rest and love and understanding and compassion and energy and peace and stillness and answers.
I can't do this now. I can't do "it".
I make drummer boy tell me it's going to be okay every day, sometimes more than once. He wants to know what "it" is. That's the scary, no exits, tidal wave of emotion knocking me over petrifying part...I don't know.
My farmer girl niece told me she's adopting the AA philosophy. I asked her which step...the powerlessness one? She said no, just the one day at a time one. Phew...I think I can do that one.
My therapist is sick.
I didn't even know I needed one.
Shit.
