When Things Fall Apart.

My words have been hard to land on lately mostly because I feel a bit like I'm unraveling...

in slow motion.  

But these highlights from my latest search for understanding reflect some of my messy.

"If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.

Impermanence becomes vivid in the present moment; so do compassion and wonder and courage. And so does fear. In fact, anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present without reference point, experiences groundlessness. That’s when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time.

...because dissociating from fear is what we do naturally.

Sometimes, however, we are cornered; everything falls apart, and we run out of options for escape."

Chodron, Pema (2010-09-14). When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (Shambhala Classics) Kindle Edition. 

Cling.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,
declares the Lord.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."

                                            (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NIV)






My heart seeks to fill the gaps that brings me closer to your thoughts and ways.  I'm unsure of how to do that.  All I know is that yesterday I was ok and today I feel like I'm drowning
in the wide open spaces.

Drummer boy and I spent some time at the beach this past week.

Water calms me...

Standing at the edge of the shoreline I'm reminded of my insignificance and humbled by it.
The Gulf of Mexico seemed to cradle me and pull me closer to the center of what is significant.

And yet two days later I'm grasping gasping for air.

I will hold on though...

and remember in my insignificance the breathtaking sunsets you painted...
for just me and my drummer boy.

Unstable.

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God. We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.  We should like to skip the intermediate stages. We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new. And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability and that it may take a very long time." 
Pierre Teilhard DeChardin, S.J.

Therapist guy told me knowledge can be curative.  He also told me knowledge (having to know and  understand) can also be another form of control.

I don't know what I don't know.

I will trust in the mystery and my slow moving God...

today.