inevitable.

It's going to happen no matter what I do to try and prevent it.  I have avoided feelings that come from explainable and unexplainable happenings.  I dove headfirst this week into what I know and can predict and can manage and can navigate and can accomplish. And I came up drenched in sadness and heartache and worry for all that I can't predict, manage, navigate and accomplish.

And then I find myself needing to reconcile the feelings.

Until...

I started reading God Of The Possible by Gregory Boyd.  He speaks of "open theism" a new way of thinking about an open view of the future vs. a predetermined belief system that says God has it all orchestrated (for me).  I've struggled with prayer lately (note: that is seriously as understated as saying I "like" wine and cigars).  I've felt indifferent and angry and frustrated and heartfelt and broken and unsure and terrified with God.  It's been the difference between knowing and unknowing.  If I believe God knows everything and everything is predetermined what difference do my prayers make?  Does God choose to know?  If so then my prayers don't really matter.  I've been a firm believer in "prayer doesn't necessarily change things it just changes me".  Ugh.  Does God choose not to know? If so then my prayers do matter.  And when I see and touch and feel and ache with the pain my daughters carry - I quite honestly don't give a shit about "prayer changing me".  I want prayer to change (fix) what they are up against and I want prayer to heal and mend and restore and make new. I want need to believe that He hears my holy cries for mercy and His tears fall with mine through the unexplainable.  I want need to believe His heart breaks open for all His children and He grasps mine and wraps them up with His grace... and... it's enough...for when the inevitable happens and it will and it does but with the God of the Possible anything can change... 

and I have to believe it does change.

I can't reconcile it all.

I can't predict it all.

I can't plan for it all.

but...

I can will pray for it all.