Toilets, toasters and accountants...oh my.

I did everything I possibly could this morning to avoid coming to work. I slept in, did morning devo's, talked to God for a little while, had a half hour text message conversation with my neice, made breakfast and actually sat down to eat it, did the few dishes in the sink, decided the toilet needed to be scrubbed, a load of laundry put in and floors swept, I even played with our inherited dog. I finally ran out of "gotta do before I leave for work chores", so I loaded up with my purse, laptop, car keys, gave the dog a treat, turned back for a quick glance and realized I left the toaster out. Sigh. I unloaded, put the toaster back where it belonged, switched the laundry, gave the dog another treat, loaded back up and drove to work. I took the scenic route. I needed to since I only live 1/2 mile from work. Why? Avoidance. The non-profit I run was having it's annual review/audit. I hate numbers. They confuse me. My memory is awful and unless my bookkeeper keeps copius notes (of which she does) I knew I was not going to be much help to the numbers guy. I can't take it all in...my eyes start to glaze over, I can't understand a word he's saying to me...literally. At one point I feared I was having a stroke. I could see his lips moving but I couldn't comprehend what he was saying. Remember in the movie Old School when Will Ferrell is hit by a stun gun in the neck...? Yep, that was me today except I didn't fall into a swimming pool, nope I fell on my ego.
I came across all executive director like until the numbers guy asks me questions about depreciation and allocations and debits and credits and blah, blah, blah.
I'm busted...
I've been telling God for 10 years I'm not the one to run this show. Again, I blame Him. I only really want to do what I want to do and balancing budgets is not one of them. All day I have felt like I'm on the edge...and then tonight I realized that I'm the one that puts me there. I don't have to have all the answers, I just need to know people that do. (Key leadership principle!) Which allows me to focus on what I'm really good at...which is distraction and apparently avoidance.

Sweet Surrender...

is all that I have to give.

My quiet time this morning was filled with noise. No clarity, just static. I drew comfort from Psalm 68:19, "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." My word for the day - surrender. Which then took me to Sarah McLachlan's song, Sweet Surrender.

There are probably many meanings to this song but I hold on to the chorus today.

And sweet surrender is all that I have to give.

It's that simple, it's that complicated.

Discovering more

The "Joy of Discovery" was the heart of the message of a church I attended last weekend while visiting my daughter and her family. We learned that the keys in making great discoveries included being open to God and to seek, hear and trust His truth. I spent some time trying to reflect on my own discoveries. Which was a bit of a challenge for me as my memories seem to be lost somewhere in the chaos of my life. Unable to recall the past I left service that day determined to discover some of my more in the here and now.

And what better teachers than my 3 year old granddaughter and my 7 week old grandson. Every distraction of mine seems to fall away when I'm in their presence. I love watching life through their eyes. The world seems more adventurous, life seems more creative and time seems more precious. Every day is a day filled with discoveries for them. It's simply natural. They don't know how not to discover. And its made me think about when that changed for me. When did I quit discovering? When did life begin to live and lead me instead of me living life? We watched the "Lion King" one afternoon and there is a profound statement (no judging) that Mufasa makes to his son Simba...he says, "You are not what you have become".(Imagine James Earl Jones voice.) Hmmm... am I? Parker Palmer in his book, Let Your Life Speak, asks the question, "Is the life we're living the life that wants to live in us?" I wonder. I stayed with my 3000 mile away friend during my visit. I love her. I'm convinced we are sisters separated at birth but since both my parents have died I have no way of verifying this. She continues to receive my daily devotions which interestingly enough almost always reflect where I'm at. She accepts my messiness and sometimes even joins me in it. She wanted to know if I think I'm in this season of life where I am reinventing myself. I thought a lot about that question. I decided I don't like that word. I don't want to reinvent, I want to discover who I am and stop being what I have become. I want to be open to the possibilities, to seek the truth, to hear God's voice and to trust in a faith that challenges me to lean into hope...always, especially in my messiness.

So what did I discover this week? That my more is filled with untapped depth and dimension. That I'm not just a meme, mom, sister, wife, friend, lover of Jesus. That by believing wholeheartedly in the One that created me allows me to embrace who I am...which is a meme, mom, sister, wife, friend and lover of Jesus. That discoveries aren't made in the future, they are made in the sweet precious moments of now. That grandchildren fill my heart with abundant joy, wonder and love... and that saying goodbye to my grandchildren...well saying goodbye... breaks my heart open.

Heaven on Harley

I've been discovering my more lately...you know the who I am outside of what I am.

Riding through upstate NY this past weekend was a window into my more. I started riding with my husband 6 years ago. I fell in love with the adventure. So much so, that I bought my own shiny machine. I have a tendency to always want to be in control, I know this about myself. (I'm working on that though...one of my best friends is a therapist and we talk a lot.) But when it comes to riding, I just want to hang back and be led. My drummer boy husband always navigates us on these little escapes, but we spent one day this weekend with a small group of fellow road warriors. I love the language of riding. It's intuitive. There is a rhythm amongst this brotherhood/sisterhood. I was towards the back of the pack and got to witness how this group fit perfectly into the landscape of some of the most beautiful scenery ever. And then I realized I was part of that. I found some of my more in my gratitude of such beauty. When we stopped for a picnic lunch, I had a chance to get to know some of these people. I loved that the conversation wasn’t so much about what they did, but who they are. They are fun and wildly spirited (which is code for crazy), patriotic and thoughtful, caring and considerate and unbelievably committed to the adventure. It’s as if their more began with leather and chrome. I wonder if it’s because the only noise is the bike’s natural surround sound of nature. I wonder if it’s because the language is unspoken. I wonder if it’s because we get to touch God’s grace through the beauty of the journey...a glimpse of heaven on earth. I wonder if being led 300 miles across the Adirondacks is really about traveling towards our (my) more.

I wonder...

Demolition to wholeness

I woke up this morning unbelievably sore. Yes, for the 1st time in my life I took a sledgehammer to a wall. I had no idea how heavy those things are or how much mess a small wall with pretty pink paint on it could make. I’m doing a little DIY remodel for two reasons: 1) I needed a distraction; 2) I needed a distraction. The problem with my distraction addiction is that it’s no longer working for me. I’m seeing metaphors for my life in these distractions. It’s annoying. I’m having a hard enough time trying to figure out what I’m feeling, now I’m seeing the struggle of my life through 2x4’s and sheetrock.

I blame Jesus. I didn’t know what a metaphor or a paradox was before I met Him. He ruined me. I gain by losing, receive when I give, am strong when I am weak, live by dying and I am whole in my brokenness...sigh. I fell for Jesus about 15 years ago in the midst of gut wrenching heartache. But somewhere on this journey I lost me, not in a “paradox” way but in a very real sense. I know I’m more but I don’t know how to journey towards that more. I know it means not always being able to trust what I feel but to know what I trust. That confuses me...but I do know this, I trust Him. I know that He will hold me through this. I know that I need to deconstruct some of the walls I've created. I know that if I feel alone, I’m not. I know that distraction is something I need to give up but truth be told, I know I would rather give up chocolate.