Adoring Joy

No matter how messy I am right now, I can’t help but to adore the One who breathes life into me every day. His beauty is wrapped in an infinite amount of gifts. I’ve realized that although I have a million questions and struggle with some really hard and sometimes simple matters of my faith, I never doubt hope. I sometimes stand on the edge of it, but I never doubt it. I think hope is where I find joy.

I woke up last Friday morning with a sob stuck in my throat. I can’t get it out. I don’t know why it’s there. Drummer boy asked me what it is. I told him I don’t know. He said he doesn’t understand. I said neither do I. I just know it’s there. I take deep breaths a lot hoping that it will escape. It doesn’t work; I just end up hyperventilating. I try to pretend it’s not there but then one of those gifts of God get’s unwrapped and I feel it again. And it doesn’t matter what that gift is…it could be avoiding squashing a squirrel with my car or the glow of a sunset or the sweet voices of my grandchildren, the list is endless.

At church this morning, my pastor friend said in times of great struggle we should hold on to Jesus for He is our Wonderful Mighty Counselor. He said God is in it with us. So at the depth of my soul He is there? He knows then. He knows about the sob. I wonder if I am just beginning to receive the truth of who He is and what He has done for me. I wonder if the sob is what has been or what is to come, or maybe both. I wonder if the sob is filled with hope, untold joys, and unending grace and it’s too much for my heart to receive. I wonder if God is holding the sob or I'm holding it from Him. Or maybe it's His gift to me...

I wonder if maybe in the center of that little sob is untapped beauty and love and adoring joy for the indescribable gift of Jesus.

I wonder.

I wonder a lot.

“It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.” (League of Their Own)

My mustard seed size faith is really hard right now. So I should be great right? Not. I worry,I believe, I trust, I doubt, I pray, I seek, I argue, I cry, I try, I fail, I fall, I plead, I imagine, I distract, I hope, I hurt…a lot. I’m trying to lean into my puddle of messy feelings because I think it’s time…but it’s hard. I’m a problem solver. It’s what I do. It’s genetic, on my dad’s side. Every problem becomes an opportunity. I love the challenge. I am ridiculously resourceful. I am focused and determined and don’t even own a throw in the towel, towel.

But it’s time.

I’m grateful beyond measure for the gifts of faith. They are sometimes simple, sometimes complicated but always beautiful. They hold me together in an unraveling sort of way. I wonder if the full richness of life begins with the hard or maybe it’s discovered in the midst of it.

I really don’t know.

I do know that I’m trying to not fix my messy. I’m trying to be in it, to embrace the raw. I’m trying to trust that my Jesus knows my heart and loves me anyway. I’ve struggled with not wanting to go where He has led me. Does it still count? Will He say, “Well done my good and faithful, resistant servant”? Or am I missing the bigger picture here? Instead of fighting the hard maybe I need to embrace the greatness in the hard. After all it’s what brings me to my knees…

Maybe in giving up... the hard becomes easier.

Hmmm…I think I need to find a towel.