“It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.” (League of Their Own)

My mustard seed size faith is really hard right now. So I should be great right? Not. I worry,I believe, I trust, I doubt, I pray, I seek, I argue, I cry, I try, I fail, I fall, I plead, I imagine, I distract, I hope, I hurt…a lot. I’m trying to lean into my puddle of messy feelings because I think it’s time…but it’s hard. I’m a problem solver. It’s what I do. It’s genetic, on my dad’s side. Every problem becomes an opportunity. I love the challenge. I am ridiculously resourceful. I am focused and determined and don’t even own a throw in the towel, towel.

But it’s time.

I’m grateful beyond measure for the gifts of faith. They are sometimes simple, sometimes complicated but always beautiful. They hold me together in an unraveling sort of way. I wonder if the full richness of life begins with the hard or maybe it’s discovered in the midst of it.

I really don’t know.

I do know that I’m trying to not fix my messy. I’m trying to be in it, to embrace the raw. I’m trying to trust that my Jesus knows my heart and loves me anyway. I’ve struggled with not wanting to go where He has led me. Does it still count? Will He say, “Well done my good and faithful, resistant servant”? Or am I missing the bigger picture here? Instead of fighting the hard maybe I need to embrace the greatness in the hard. After all it’s what brings me to my knees…

Maybe in giving up... the hard becomes easier.

Hmmm…I think I need to find a towel.