Adoring Joy

No matter how messy I am right now, I can’t help but to adore the One who breathes life into me every day. His beauty is wrapped in an infinite amount of gifts. I’ve realized that although I have a million questions and struggle with some really hard and sometimes simple matters of my faith, I never doubt hope. I sometimes stand on the edge of it, but I never doubt it. I think hope is where I find joy.

I woke up last Friday morning with a sob stuck in my throat. I can’t get it out. I don’t know why it’s there. Drummer boy asked me what it is. I told him I don’t know. He said he doesn’t understand. I said neither do I. I just know it’s there. I take deep breaths a lot hoping that it will escape. It doesn’t work; I just end up hyperventilating. I try to pretend it’s not there but then one of those gifts of God get’s unwrapped and I feel it again. And it doesn’t matter what that gift is…it could be avoiding squashing a squirrel with my car or the glow of a sunset or the sweet voices of my grandchildren, the list is endless.

At church this morning, my pastor friend said in times of great struggle we should hold on to Jesus for He is our Wonderful Mighty Counselor. He said God is in it with us. So at the depth of my soul He is there? He knows then. He knows about the sob. I wonder if I am just beginning to receive the truth of who He is and what He has done for me. I wonder if the sob is what has been or what is to come, or maybe both. I wonder if the sob is filled with hope, untold joys, and unending grace and it’s too much for my heart to receive. I wonder if God is holding the sob or I'm holding it from Him. Or maybe it's His gift to me...

I wonder if maybe in the center of that little sob is untapped beauty and love and adoring joy for the indescribable gift of Jesus.

I wonder.

I wonder a lot.