Birthday prayer.

Happy 1st Birthday little guy!

I can't believe it's been a year since we welcomed you into this world.  What a gift to witness your first breath... which I think you stole from me.  I had no idea that my heart could hold so much love but it did and it does and it somehow it expands with every "FaceTime".

Andrew... you have your Great Grandma Jeanie's eyes.  I think you might even have a bit of her spirit. She was beautiful and funny and gentle and kind and a bit mischievous.  You have Great Grandpa Frank's fierce independence and I suspect a bit of his stubbornness.  Simply put...you are perfect and beautiful and charming and delightful and loved.

I'm pretty sure you will get everything you could possibly want or need at your big party so my simple gift for you on this very momentous day is a prayer.

I know you're probably thinking "Meme, a prayer?  How can I open that?" Trust me, my sweet boy...you can...every day.

Andrew, my prayer for you is this...

That you will grow into a mighty man of God and that you will trust in His whispers... always.  I wish you never know of pain or struggle but I pray when you do you will lean into the arms of our Savior.

I pray you grow in wisdom and strength and love and hope and joy and compassion and abundance.

I pray you adventure and discover your way through some of life's mysteries.  And I pray that some of life's mysteries keep you wondering and seeking and searching.

I pray for self-confidence and a strong ego that protects not prohibits.

I pray you love deeply and take risks and are gentle and strong and trust that you are wonderfully and fearfully made in God's image.

I pray your imagination grows wild and curiosity never gets the best of you.

I pray you and your sister Anna always grow together in love and patience and forgiveness and understanding and respect... through the inevitable fights and teasing and playfulness of "siblingness".

I pray you never shy from your Mama's love. I pray you trust always in how your Mommy and Daddy "grow" you.

I pray you become a drummer boy too.

I pray you know...that you are profoundly enough.

I pray for you... always.

Happy Birthday Andrew John Zehring!

I love you to the sky and back again.
Meme

Exhale.

I witnessed grace today...and community and love and struggle and beauty and determination and bravery and hope.

This thing that I needed to do 10+ years ago became bigger than me today.  It wasn't about me and I got to be a part of something way bigger than my ego...and that's a pretty big something.

Hundreds of courageous people showed up today with either a story to share or a heart that needed to hear the stories of others...  Dozens of volunteers wholeheartedly dedicated themselves for months prior because they believed in the importance of stepping into the dance.  The dance that invites communities to find their rhythm...speak the truth and innately trust in the safety of it all.

That's extravagant vulnerability.

I don't do vulnerability well.  But I'm learning that leaning into my messy exposes me in a healing way.

So here it is... some days I can't find my breath.  Some days my heart drops in my belly because it's too much for my chest to hold.  Some days I feel selfish.  Some days I am selfish.  Some days I can't leave my house.  Some days I think it's all about me.  Some days I know it's all about me. Some days I wrestle with God's mercy or lack of.  Some days I accept it.  Some days my body vibrates. Some days my mind can't stop the crazy.  Some days I'm grateful and fearful and hopeful and exhausted and burdened and resentful and thankful and courageous and messy.

Some days I can't hold all the goodness.

Some days I know it's not about me...

today was that day.

I thank each and every vulnerable warrior today for walking in this beautiful mess.

52 wishes.

Today's my birthday.  I decided to change the rules from one single birthday wish to as many wishes as candles.

That's a lot of wishes.

When I asked my friend how did that happen...how did 52 years of living catch me so quickly?  She said "you blinked".  I either need to stop blinking, which I tried for about ten seconds, or start breathing and living and feeling and celebrating and pursuing and grasping all the non-blinking moments. 

This morning's devotion was this: "...the earth is full of his unfailing love." Psalm 33:5  

Constant, steadfast, boundless, inexhaustible, abundant love.

His creation. His fullness. His grace. His love. His beauty. His mercy. His glory. His hope. His son.

His gifts...

to me.

I love presents. I'm just not sure I've seen every gift as a present to be unwrapped. But apparently (while I was blinking), I was growing older and wiser and braver and messier and stronger and more daring as a result of some of these 52 years of gifts.  I've also become a bit more fragile in my half of century + 2 age.  But not in a broken bones, poor eyesight, weak bladder kind of way...no... more in a fractured, uneven heartache kind of way.

What I'm discovering in those fragmented places

are...

scars that are healing,

beauty that is growing,

love that forgives,

an unfolding of joy,

loud, beautiful silences,

unrefined emotions,

raw fearlessness,

unuttered whispers,

breathless moments,

exhaled pieces,

untouched aches,

tangled memories,

sweet surrenders,

exquisite grace,

and

unwrapped gifts of... more.

My birthday wishes, in no particular order...

1. Breathe more.

2. Get another tattoo.

3. Dance at sunset with drummer boy.

4. Dance at sunrise with drummer boy.

5. Stay up all night watching old movies or mad men.

6. Hold on tighter.

7. Let go more.

8. Start writing a book.

9. Sleep in.

10. Paint my dining room.

11. Redo my kitchen.

12. Finish my bedroom.

13. Organize my photos.

14. Enjoy a weekend at the beach with drummer boy, unplugged.

15. Go on an overnight silent retreat.

16. Dream more.

17. Grow a garden.

18. Weed a garden.

19. Create a thousand memories for my grand-babies.

20. Follow the feelings.

21. Take ballroom dance classes with drummer boy...again.

22. Take a sign language class.

23. Do less.

24. Create more.

25. Be more spontaneous.

26. Pray harder.

27. Laugh more.

28. Seek Him in everything.

29. Receive the gifts of his unfailing love...every day.

30. Go to sleep with a heart filled with gratitude, every night.

31. Wake up with a heart filled with gratitude, every day.

32. Tell my girls...more.

33. Take a motorcycle trip to Martha's Vineyard.

34. Be braver.

35. Distract less.

36. Listen harder.

37. Lean in more.

38. Sing louder.

39. Explore the dark places.

40. Start a girlfriends circle of realness.

41. Be real and speak the truth every day.

42. Learn how to make good gluten free bread.

42. Write more letters.

43. Sleep on a hammock under a full moon (with drummer boy).

44. Buy less.

45. Recycle more.

46. Plant tulip bulbs.

47. Build a snowman with my granddaughter.

48. Make snow angels with my grandson.

49. Exhale more.

50. Embrace the messy.

51. Celebrate the simple.

52. Hire someone to do #10-13, #17, #18, #42, #46.

If I remember correctly I think I get an extra candle (wish) for luck...

53. Blink less.