Happy Birthday Mom.

You would have been 85 years old today. I miss you. I miss your hugs. I miss your smell. Do you know that I've saved your perfume and every year on mother's day I spray a little on me? Silly, I know. But I need you back. I've never stop missing you.

I have so much to ask you.

I need to know...

how your heart healed when I hurt you,

how you never held a grudge,

how you prayed.

I need to know...

why you never stop dieting,

why you didn't believe you were beautiful,

why you never shared your tears.

I need to know...

when you knew you needed to speak the truth to me,

when life was too hard.

I need to know...

about your fears,

your dreams,

your desires,

your wishes,

your struggles,

your heart,

your messy.

I need to know...

where your courage came from,

where you put your pain.

I need to know...

who listened to your sorrows,

who felt your grief when your brother died,

your mom died,

your dad died,

your husband died.

I need to know...

what you loved,

what you wanted,

what you believed.

I need to know...

everything about you.

I miss you more than my heart can bear.

I need you to tell me how to be a mom.

I need you to meet your great grand babies.

I need them to meet you.

I need to tell you...

stuff.

I need to know that you can hear me.

I need to know...

you - beneath the layers of 78 years of living,

your pearls of wisdom,

your memories,

your grace,

your heart.

I need to know that you are with Dad and your family and Jesus and it's beautiful and peaceful and glorious and pure and safe and extravagant and joyous and eternal.

I need you to know...

that I eat hotdogs and popcorn from Target when I need to feel you closer,

that chaos makes me nervous,

that I'm scared sometimes,

that I worry too much,

that I walk like you,

that I just want sips of Danny's beer,

that I've fallen in love with your dog,

and so has your son-in-law,

that I cry alone,

that I am brave,

and raw,

and beautiful

because of you.

I love you.

Happy Birthday Mom.

beauty

"...who has saved us and called us to a holy life - not because of anything we have done but because of His own purpose and grace..." 2 Timothy 9a

Do I live a life that reflects such beauty and abundant grace?  I seek to capture His grace and soak in it, letting it penetrate my heart and fill me with such certainty that I can accept I am enough.

I am Forgiven.

I am Saved.

I am Holy.

I am His.

I am Called.

A holy life awaits.

Sustain.

This morning's devo; "Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens you are there; if I make my bed in the depths you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:7-10

Can I trust what I can't feel?

My mom always held my wrist when we crossed a street, no matter how old I was. Not my hand... my wrist. It was like she was worried if we held hands I might let go and run out in traffic and get run over by a car.  She worried... a lot. After we crossed she'd let me break free... but my wrist could still feel her grip.