You would have been 85 years old today. I miss you. I miss your hugs. I miss your smell. Do you know that I've saved your perfume and every year on mother's day I spray a little on me? Silly, I know. But I need you back. I've never stop missing you.
I have so much to ask you.
I need to know...
how your heart healed when I hurt you,
how you never held a grudge,
how you prayed.
I need to know...
why you never stop dieting,
why you didn't believe you were beautiful,
why you never shared your tears.
I need to know...
when you knew you needed to speak the truth to me,
when life was too hard.
I need to know...
about your fears,
your dreams,
your desires,
your wishes,
your struggles,
your heart,
your messy.
I need to know...
where your courage came from,
where you put your pain.
I need to know...
who listened to your sorrows,
who felt your grief when your brother died,
your mom died,
your dad died,
your husband died.
I need to know...
what you loved,
what you wanted,
what you believed.
I need to know...
everything about you.
I miss you more than my heart can bear.
I need you to tell me how to be a mom.
I need you to meet your great grand babies.
I need them to meet you.
I need to tell you...
stuff.
I need to know that you can hear me.
I need to know...
you - beneath the layers of 78 years of living,
your pearls of wisdom,
your memories,
your grace,
your heart.
I need to know that you are with Dad and your family and Jesus and it's beautiful and peaceful and glorious and pure and safe and extravagant and joyous and eternal.
I need you to know...
that I eat hotdogs and popcorn from Target when I need to feel you closer,
that chaos makes me nervous,
that I'm scared sometimes,
that I worry too much,
that I walk like you,
that I just want sips of Danny's beer,
that I've fallen in love with your dog,
and so has your son-in-law,
that I cry alone,
that I am brave,
and raw,
and beautiful
because of you.
I love you.
Happy Birthday Mom.
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