Demolition to wholeness

I woke up this morning unbelievably sore. Yes, for the 1st time in my life I took a sledgehammer to a wall. I had no idea how heavy those things are or how much mess a small wall with pretty pink paint on it could make. I’m doing a little DIY remodel for two reasons: 1) I needed a distraction; 2) I needed a distraction. The problem with my distraction addiction is that it’s no longer working for me. I’m seeing metaphors for my life in these distractions. It’s annoying. I’m having a hard enough time trying to figure out what I’m feeling, now I’m seeing the struggle of my life through 2x4’s and sheetrock.

I blame Jesus. I didn’t know what a metaphor or a paradox was before I met Him. He ruined me. I gain by losing, receive when I give, am strong when I am weak, live by dying and I am whole in my brokenness...sigh. I fell for Jesus about 15 years ago in the midst of gut wrenching heartache. But somewhere on this journey I lost me, not in a “paradox” way but in a very real sense. I know I’m more but I don’t know how to journey towards that more. I know it means not always being able to trust what I feel but to know what I trust. That confuses me...but I do know this, I trust Him. I know that He will hold me through this. I know that I need to deconstruct some of the walls I've created. I know that if I feel alone, I’m not. I know that distraction is something I need to give up but truth be told, I know I would rather give up chocolate.