Abundant gratitude

I was interviewed yesterday for the cover of a local woman’s magazine. I told the editor I am not cover material. I proceeded to come up with dozens of other women who are way more deserving, (I even included drummer boy on that list…she politely reminded me that it’s a women’s magazine.) Truth is she (the editor) should be on that cover. She is daring, fearless, passionate, vulnerable, Chicago marathon runner and genuinely loved by everyone. She said she can’t be on the cover of her own magazine. I told her Oprah is. She told me to get comfortable and she turned on her recorder. I discovered that she has selective hearing.

She asked me where I am at in this phase of my life. I told her I’m stepping down from the organization I founded after ten years. I told her it was time. I don’t know how I know this, I just do. I’ve been planning my “exit strategy” for about 5+ years. I told her… I am messy and weary and grateful and exhausted and overwhelmingly reflective. I told her I cry in the shower until the water gets cold and then I cry because the water’s cold. I told her I’m selfish. I told her my fear is that I started the organization because I needed a place to put my pain. And I worry it was more about me than stepping in a gap that existed to meet the need of others. I told her 6 years ago when the organization moved to the next level, I had a breakdown. Drummer boy spent days looking for all my scattered pieces. Shortly after that my mom got sick. I had another breakdown after she died. I told her my mom gave me my place in my family. Without her, what’s my place? At 45, I was an orphan, with 5 siblings. Sigh… Emotionally unstable orphan with selfish ambition, yeah that makes a great cover story.

I’m not a cover girl.

I really don’t know when I began to question my motives. In all fairness to myself I think my heart was in the right place. I just don’t really think things all the way through. I never do. I told magazine editor that I never think anything is a big deal, especially big deals. Drummer boy knows this all too well. Anyone that has ever worked on a project with me knows that too. When I began to realize the “big dealness” to this, it was too late. I was in too deep and didn’t know how to get out. So I didn’t. And I had breakdowns. And I have breakdowns. And on some days it takes everything I have to walk out my door. I was reading the other day about wearing the armor of God. I decided I’m a warrior. That I just need to put on my war paint and get in my chariot (with remote starter) and do it. That helps…sometimes.

And now the truth is out. I can’t put it back in.

I’m not a cover girl.

But what I am… is grateful.

I am grateful for… my mom who loved me always, my daughters who I love always, my drummer boy for keeping the beat, my grandchildren who make my world go around, my girlfriends who sometimes tell me what I want to hear … and other times they tell me the truth. I’m grateful for…my 5 siblings, the colors of gray, the beauty of the dessert and abounding grace. I’m grateful for my nieces who are sisters and best friends and enemies all at the same time. I’m grateful for magazine editor who has encouraged me to speak my truth. I’m grateful for good coffee and gluten free cookies. I’m grateful for the moments of utter stillness. I’m grateful for breakdowns and war paint and the opportunity for pain to become purpose. I’m grateful for tears and laughter and dryer sheets. I'm grateful for community and the egg man and granola guy at Saturday's farmers market. I’m grateful for all the women who do selfless, unconditional, love filled works every day. They are cover girls.

Magazine editor asked me if I had to do it over again, would I? I honestly don’t know. I’d like to think I would but it’s probably best that I don’t have a window into the future. Because it’s in the not knowing that pushes me into the deep end of faith…it’s in the not knowing where I find hope… it’s in the not knowing that my trust in God grows.

Magazine editor’s last question was this; “What do you want for yourself this year?” I told her that was a good question. I pondered that for a bit. I told her I wanted to live wholeheartedly in each and every good, bad and messy moment, and to be fully present with a heart of gratitude to the overflowing abundance in my life.

And I told her I still didn’t want to be on the cover of her magazine.