Monday, May 6, 2013

seeking shalom

"I have been surprised to find that I am given more life, more hope, more moments of buoyancy and redemption, the more I give up.  The more I let go, do without, reduce, the more I feel rich.  The more I let people be who they are, instead of cramming them into what I need from them, the more surprised I am by their beauty and depth." Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life.  In this book Shauna speaks of shalom... the place she glimpses every once in a while.  She describes it as "the physical, sense-oriented, relational, communal, personal, ideological posture that arches God-ward."

I seek shalom.

 Professionally...and personally.

Personally.  These last few months have been gravely.  There's been a wearing on my spirit that has weakened me. I've questioned everything. Suffocating regret. I've seen and felt and touched the effects of the choices I've made.  I've been humbled by it all and smashed to pieces by it all.  I've read the old and new of the holy book and prayed for wisdom and grace and forgiveness and beauty and might and hope...endless heaps of hope.  Indulgence.  I have wanted to stand in between it all, erase the pain I've caused, be the martyr, do anything to backspace it all.

It can't be undone.  Ever.

Professionally.  Transitioning has become this self-imposed tug of war with all my shattered pieces... Spent.

Shalom glimpses.

 Maybe shalom is here.  Especially in this gravely can't be undone place.  It's in the richness of less. It's in the letting go... it's in the standing nakedness of it all.  It's in the girlfriends that know me and see me and protect the knowing and seeing. It's in the community that flourishes in the messy. It's in the raw gut wrenching honesty with my girls. It's in the delight and innocence of my grandchildren. It's in the melody of the 24 years with my drummer boy. It's in the terrifying beauty of what's next. It's in the believing of a mysterious provocative God.

Shalom is in the loveliness of the slivered pieces of my story. 

Shalom.







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2 comments:

  1. AnonymousMay 6, 2013 at 4:49 PM

    The gospel was able to accept that life is tragic, but then graciously added that we can survive and will even grow from this tragedy. (our falling upward) This is the great turn around! It all depends on whether we are willing to see down as up; or as Jung put it, that "where you stumble and fall, there you find pure gold. Lady Julian put it even more poetically: "First there is the fall, and then we recover from the fall. Bother are the mercy of God!"

    Richard Rohr ...Falling Upward.

    I am blessed by your friendship...your raw courage...your transparency is sacred.

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    Replies
    1. AnonymousMay 6, 2013 at 4:51 PM

      never mind that your friend is typing too fast... BOTH ARE the mercy of God!!

      Delete

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