I had lunch with a friend today at my favorite little cafe. She asked me how I was doing. My mindless response was “I’m good, how are you?” She said, “eh, I’m ok”. And then she proceeded to let me in to her “eh, I’m ok” world. I appreciated her truth. I then told her my truth.
I told her I’m not sure where I’m at. I spoke of a heaviness that I feel. That maybe I have some depression going on, but not depression in a situational way. (For example; the days are shorter, it’s colder, motorcycle season is over, no more (legitimate) reason to wear leather, I miss my grandchildren – of which I desperately do, my bedroom has been under construction longer than I imagined, I miss gluten, I hate budgets, I need a pedi, inherited dog needs a teeth cleaning, my razor is dull, and my mom died 5 years ago…) Those are all good reasons, well most of them are anyways for depression, but it’s not what I feel. What I feel, in a strange way is comforting, it’s as if this heaviness is pushing me towards something. Parker Palmer refers to this as the journey inward. Richard Rohr (who my 3000 mile away friend just introduced me to yesterday) says, “There is much evidence on several levels that there are at least two major tasks to human life. The first task is to build a strong “container” or identity; the second is to find the contents that the container was meant to hold.”
I told my café friend that I’m not even sure heaviness is the correct word. She said it’s because we (society) don’t have a word for that. She's smart and full of wisdom. She's a world changer. She was excited for me and my “journey inward”.
I don’t know if excited is the word I would use, maybe there isn’t even a word for what I feel. Hmmm…I seem to be filled with wordless feelings.
I do know that pain became purpose for me and purpose became pain...and all of that is apparently leading me somewhere.
I went home early today. My container wants to change the world but my contents just want to take a nap.
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