Trust the mess

I'm in the middle of messy right now. I'm mostly trying to figure out what I'm feeling on a daily basis. I have quiet time every morning where I pray God will audibly speak to me. I pray He will join me in my morning devotion and we can talk about the hard stuff. I even make an extra few cups of highlander grogg (my favorite coffee blend, from my favorite little cafe). I usually end up drinking it all. I love Jesus. I believe in Him. I just want answers to some of my questions. I share my morning devo's with a dear friend 3000 miles away. There's a 3 hour time difference but she gracefully receives my texts which include a thought, quote and or scripture along with my word for the day. She's safe and makes me feel like I'm heard. She encourages my truth. Everyone needs that kind of friend, you know like Pooh and Eeyore.

I got a journal for my birthday called the Truth And The Questions by Sabrina Ward Harrison. It's the most beautiful journal ever. I carried it around with me for weeks and carefully considered what I would write in it before I actually took pen to paper. One of the questions in this museum like journal is "what do you carry?". Hmmm... I didn't think it was much...boy was I wrong. I ran out of room. Here's a sample of what I carry: " I carry love and faith, I carry the tension between struggle and peace, goodness and greatness, pain and hope, love and loss. I carry my ego. I carry the love of Jesus, sometimes I share that love, sometimes I don't. I carry black and white, I carry color. I carry the past, present and future. I carry my mom's last tear, untold stories and the other shoe. I carry do-overs. I carry heartache. I carry regret. I carry gratitude for that kind of friend. I carry distraction. I carry shame. I carry beauty. I carry wonder. I carry longing. I carry raw. I carry courage...sometimes."

So here I am trying to figure out how to do messy, how to carry it all and how much coffee I should brew in the morning.